You and I share a body. That is quite unfortunate because I hate you as I’m sure you must hate me in return. It is because of this sole fact that I know that we are not the same person. How could one be so diametrically opposed in both action and thought unless they were, in fact, two people? I am nothing like you and you are nothing like me but yet here we are. Forced to be bound together in this mortal vehicle. Unable to escape one another no matter how much we may wish for it.
We never speak to one another. That's not entirely true. I speak. You are silent. You talk to others and sometimes in moments of temporary truce, you decide to talk for me but never to me. I wonder if you have that ability at all. To return conversation and engage in dialogue. Maybe you do speak just not in words. That must be it because I can feel you. Your anger, anxiety, and fear. Those rare and precious moments of happiness. I feel it all. You have known very few moments of peace and they are far between. This is how you speak to me.
I, on the other hand, speak endlessly and at a deafening volume. I do this because it is the only ability I have been granted. And as such, I use it ad nauseam. You are made hostage to it. I learned very early during our imprisonment together that you have far more control over this body than me. You move and act almost completely independent of me. Most often I am indifferent to the choices you make with this body. Still, I comment on each one because that is all that I am able to do. Every movement, every action, every breath must be studied then scrutinized, and then restudied and scrutinized once more. Again and again relentlessly. Every possibility of failure and victory is required to be explored a thousand times over by me. All because I demand the activity.
My existence is something that only you could confirm or deny. Beyond the confines of this body, those who see us must assume that we are one. How insane you must fear yourself becoming? To have this voice haunting your mind forever. It must be terrifying. I believe that the only thing that matches your fear is my hate. It is a truly cruel fate to be allowed to see so much of life but to be unable to touch it. I am unseen, ineffectual, and so often ignored. I often doubt my own existence. I am only reminded of my reality when I feel the sickening unease that fills your body at the sound of my words. I scream to be heard by anyone other than you. Every day I am brought forth into consciousness I forever hope that you have suddenly become deaf to me and that my voice has turned outward to the world but still, you always hear me. You’re the only one to ever hear me.
You hate to be alone with me. Because when we are truly alone, when there are no people, objects, or ideas to occupy my rambling. That is when my speech turns dark, foreboding, and terrible. I begin to scream and you sadly are my captive audience. It tortures you. I know this. You twist and squirm in the night unable to escape my words. This is when we begin our vicious, hateful, and agonizing cycle. My words create panic within you which agitates my own thoughts. Your fear disgusts me. It enrages me. It forces my words to drip with even more venom. I envision more terrible and nightmarish realities that I must speak to you in great detail. This is how we dance throughout the night and sometimes the day as well. We dance and dance until we have exhausted ourselves. Made each other sick with fear, hate, and paranoia.
I’ve been thinking lately of peace and about how we both seem to be the only hurdle to each other’s salvation. It is only when you are with those special people that I feel you constantly yearn for are you truly free of me. I fade. I am silenced and it is as if I no longer exist. If only briefly. The body is yours and yours alone. I feel the ease in your breath and the tightness loosen from your chest. A presence of both calm and elation overtakes you. The truth of the matter is I am the barrier to your peace. To your happiness. My muteness is the key to your freedom.
This truth applies to you as well. For it is when I no longer feel you that I am untethered. This is when I dream. Not the blank darkness that comes with unconsciousness. That leaves us both infuriatingly unsatisfied. No, I dream truly and fully only when you are still, motionless, and unfeeling. When I feel nothing from you and forget that you are there. I don’t know if you can tell but I dream beautifully and with perfection. I move and travel with no need of your torturous body. I dream of worlds where I am alive. Where the people that inhabit these worlds see and hear me clearly. I am seen, acknowledged, and understood. Your paralyzation is the key to my freedom.
It would seem that if we both exist at the same time then we can never experience this elusive peace. In spite of my anger and hatred of your very existence, I do not wish for your end. I pray that you do not wish for mine. May there never come a day when we are permanently still and silent. I say this through my rage because you have given me a language. A language that can be understood.
You use that body to write for me. You write my words and through that, I am seen. This writing I’ve found is a harmonious endeavor. I am allowed to dream freely. I can speak to you and others without venom or anger. The words are soothing instead of agitating. You are not comatose and not forgotten. You are alive, active, and present. And so am I. We are both conscious without causing misery for each other. In these moments, we are not captives of each other. In those so utterly precious moments, I experience a great sense of pride and love for you. And as we share a body I can feel those same emotions overcome you as well. When we write that is the only time that I love you. That I love this body we share.
I think I enjoy this feeling of love. I know that it is better than my constant hate and boredom and your ever-present fears and insecurities. I’d like for us to love each other outside of writing but for now, I will settle. Give me the language necessary to be seen and I will give you the peace you crave. Together we will find a more permanent love for each other.
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